Confessions of a Revenge Writer

The realization came that I have been and still am a revenge writer. Revenge is the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands. Similar words include vengeance, retribution and retaliation all of which sound dreadful, and might lead us to believe that someone seeking revenge is a person who is experiencing some type of mental imbalance. Injury or wrong isn’t always physical and visible. We can be mentally, emotionally and spiritually injured and appear as if nothing is wrong. Years of seemingly small or large attacks on our mental, emotional and spiritual health can leave deep and profound wounds resulting in a lack of faith and trust in the goodness of fellow human beings among other things. These attacks may have seemed meaningless or miniscule to the perpetrator but can create prolonged suffering in the person experiencing them. Attacks can be subtle and not so subtle actions or words thrown together without conscious thought and delivered with as much empathy as a doorknob. Sometimes the perpetrator is unconsciously unaware of the impact their actions or words have on others.

There are experiences that I have had in my personal, professional and brief political life that have deeply disturbed me on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. At times, I felt like I had no control over any of it and that as a good person or employee, I needed to stay quiet, toughen up and turn the other cheek. Other times, I had experienced enough and kept silent so long that I exploded in a turbulent cloud of overwhelming feelings and emotions as I headed for the figurative exit door slamming it multiple times on the way out. These exits involved a flurry of written words as I tried to process what was going on and how I felt about the incidents and personal offenses that happened. Just walking away quietly didn’t ever seem to be the right option. One such exit in 2005 involved an email to the CEO and Chairman of the large regional bank I worked for as a business banker about management and how the bank’s new emphasis on micro-managed sales production was detrimental to customer service. This was a shift that was causing stress for employees including me, and I disliked and did not trust some managers who I believed to be conniving and self-serving at the expense of those who reported to them. When people throw ketchup at me, sometimes I throw it back were words used to say I had reached my breaking point. Writing carefully sliced and diced words and sending them can be like symbolically throwing ketchup back at people who threw ketchup first. Ketchup represents the mental, emotional and spiritual daggers that pierce the soul and throwing ketchup back can be seeking revenge. Sometimes it’s not about revenge in as much as it is about establishing boundaries, refusing to accept others throwing ketchup at you, and protecting your sacred space.

In 2007, I was given a written warning at a regional bank I worked for as a commercial lender for using ‘God’ in an email to a potential client, the founder of a faith-based non-profit which worked with churches to serve the local homeless community. The founder of the non-profit was clear that he felt called by God to serve the homeless. God bless you and your ministry may have been words I used. Sitting across the table from the two senior loan officers/managers who in all seriousness passed the human resources blessed document to me to sign brought some comedic relief to a ridiculous situation. There were rampant rumors of infidelities at the bank, lax credit standards on real estate loans, personal experiences with female bullies, and common knowledge that human resources was monitoring employee communications. The managers and human resources had bypassed the customary first step in disciplinary action for minor infractions. A verbal warning apparently wasn’t enough when God was involved. I wanted to figuratively pop them upside their heads with a few choice words. Words preferably delivered in writing at a later time. And so, it happened again. The revenge writer in me re-emerged and I didn’t hold back. The bank failed in the banking and financial crisis of 2007-2008 and was taken over by the FDIC.

When I resigned from my last corporate job in February 2020, I was quite upset over multiple issues and did not hesitate to share my thoughts and concerns in writing which were more than a few. Management’s handling the situation fueled the anger that started with unaddressed managerial work frustrations that had been piling up. My former manager told me that I bottle things up and she was right to an extent. Often, there are no outlets or channels to express work environment or policy concerns and truly be heard. Going to your immediate supervisor may be following the proper chain of command but it is typically upper managers who are making and imposing the decisions that have negative consequences for customers and employees. Details can be lost in translation and transmission meaning sometimes it is best to go straight to the source which I’ve never had a fear of doing. The revenge writer emerged again and held nothing back including telling some managers their behaviors had been inappropriate. I had reached my breaking point.

It is my hope that speaking up in these employment situations helped others after I was gone. Most certainly, I have hurt some people’s feelings with my writings which resulted from my own feelings being hurt creating a vicious cycle. One cannot go through life without getting one’s feelings hurt oftentimes by people who are near and dear to us. People we trust in our personal and professional lives can sometimes be so knowingly and even unknowingly cruel. My feelings have been hurt many times by people who behaved like bullies mistaking my quietness for weakness. In the past, I’ve waited too long to express myself. At the age of 58, officially in menopause, and well rested from a little more than three years of partaking in the Great Resignation, I’ve decided that enough is enough when it comes to major systemic issues like government, healthcare and mental health in which I feel injured or wronged by others hands. A personal website and blogging offer the opportunity to write about things that make me feel like figuratively popping someone over the head with a few choice words. I am a revenge writer.

“Whatever enlarges hope will also exalt courage.” – Samuel Johnson