All Bottled Up

All bottled up is not speaking of a cold, delicious beer with a shiny metal top, or a smooth Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey yet to be savored in an unopened bottle bearing adoration for a former president. Donald Trump - Old No. 45 Brand - United States of America – President -Washington D.C. - Make America Great Again - 50% Brains 50% Balls by Vol. (110 Proof) are the words on the black and white bottle label. The unopened bottle sits on a bar counter as reminder of a destructive force from the past. A gift from a Trump supporter who like me is most likely a former supporter. The 50% brains 50% balls by volume verbiage did not sink in until I sat down to write this story. So appropriate. Trump represented someone who was willing to disrupt the national political system we are held captive to albeit he did so in ways that were incredibly disturbing. He was a bully in a field of bullies in which strength is associated with being ruthless, reckless and willing to embrace dark side of the art of the deal. He was and is a bull in a china shop and destruction comes naturally to him. He does not care about anyone only himself which is evident in the words he speaks and the actions he takes. People embraced and loved him because he showed balls and did not hesitate to disrupt everything and anything in his path. He destroyed good and bad because there was no self-control and a complete lack of consciousness of thought, words and actions. He parades as a solid Christian yet his outward behavior is nothing but Christ like. Surprisingly, conservatives seemed to idolize him like he is their savior and stood by supporting him even at our Nation’s darkest hours on January 6th 2021. People seemed to revel in the rebelliousness of Trump and his most ardent followers.

I voted for Trump twice and would never do so again. It’s the voting for the lesser of two evils dilemma that many voters are faced with. The political candidates from the extremes. Extreme conservatism where elected offiicials try to control our lives and choices to make their religious beliefs dominant making them feel better about imposing said choices on us, and the liberalism of the extreme opposite in which freebies for everyone and everything is embraced and those who are generally in the upper middle class must pay for the financial burdens of their less fortunate Americans because so many other wealthier Americans and businesses are brilliantly using an Internal Revenue Service tax code designed to reduce their tax burden. The tax system we have was established by political candidates from the extremes yet Americans direct their anger at each other. The two political parties perpetuate this ongoing fight amongst citizens of the same beautiful country. We the citizens are not one another’s enemies as the political parties like to dictate. We are all in this together and we rise and fall together. The illusion of the two political parties protecting us and caring for us divides the American family. I’ve learned the monsters aren’t the ones beneath the bed. The monsters are the ones standing right in front of me and for me, the monsters are the two political parties and I’m angry to the point of eruption. Not the kind of eruption from a new bottle of soda shaken with good measure and yet to be opened that will only make a sticky mess to be cleaned up. What is inside of me feels more like a volcano getting ready to erupt.

Recently, it was pointed out to me by three holistic practitioners that the energy in my body moves slowly and two said it is a protective measure. One said I am storing a lot of anger in my body, which prompted me to ask “what is causing the anger in me?”. The emotional and physical trauma that came up wasn’t comfortable to remember or feel but after speaking the words out loud to a few trusted people, there was huge relief and the ability to offer forgiveness. It gave me back the power I had given up to the perpetrators. My wonderful Psychologist suggested I ask myself “what is my anger trying to tell me?”. Anger means action. Anger is the tip of the iceberg for many other emotions including: sadness, disappointment, loneliness, overwhelm, embarrassment, hurt, helplessness, pain, frustration, insecurity, hunger, grief, anxiety, stress, feeling threatened, tired, contempt, guilt, jealous, fear, discontent and shame. There are probably other more complicated emotions beneath the anger iceberg.

All bottled up is the point reached when one has tolerated as much as can be taken from life. What bottles me up is totally different than what bottles up another. Lying, cheating and stealing no matter the form whether covert or overt anger me. Disrespectfulness angers me. Bullies anger me whether male or female. For two decades since 911, I mostly bottled up my feelings and emotions to keep peace only for them to keep emerging in the form of manic attacks. Yoga teaches that the body knows and the body remembers. The body stores emotional and physical trauma and it emerges in the form of unexplained physical aches and pains or illnesses. The long-term result has been chronic body aches and headaches that traditional medical doctors dismissed and seemingly did not want to deal with because they were probably too tired to do anything other than treat the symptoms with supplements and prescriptions. Our healthcare system is broken and people are suffering needlessly. This angers me and breaks my heart at the same time just as our national political system does. Disappointment, sadness and frustration in familial, business and political systems is what I’m really feeling and I was not dealing with the emotions in healthy ways.

All bottled up is the moment before emotional or spiritual eruption and once the eruption begins, it is oftentimes hard to stop the hot lava from flowing. Lava cannot be controlled. It flows were it flows and destroys what it destroys. Such is the natural order. What we are witnessing in our beautiful country is destructive anger and people are acting out unproductively and violently. Oftentimes, people do not have healthy outlets to speak of their emotions and feelings without fear of being judged or diminished. Like me, people are angry but what is truly beneath the anger iceberg? Many of us are taught that feelings do not matter and that sharing feelings is a sign of weakness. Shake it off, we are told by those closest to us. On the Briggs Meyers scale, I am an INFJ (introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging) but working in Corporate America for three decades resulted in losing touch with my intuitive and feeling nature. I had become hardened. Since February 2020, I have been reconnecting to my true nature and that nature is love. Sometimes tough love. My anger is telling me to use whatever platform I can to advocate for positive systemic changes to our political and business systems. The lava will flow were the lava flows. Love destroys whatever does not bear productive fruit.

“Soaking my soul in gas and setting my heart on fire” – Heart on Fire by Eric Church